From Tension to Harmony: A Guide to Challenging Relationships

How do we navigate challenging relationships, especially with those closest to us? Before I share some perspectives, I want to offer a disclaimer: I haven't fully figured this out. I simply try different approaches and work with what arises. Most importantly, I strive to show up fully to the process.

So, naturally, the first point I want to emphasize is the importance of showing up to the process with someone, regardless of how that process manifests. Whether they want to communicate with us or not, and regardless of our respective skill levels in verbal communication, the main thing we can do to work with challenging relationships is to continually show up with a willingness to engage.

This approach aligns with the Buddhist concept of "awareness" or "mindfulness" (sati in Pali). In Buddhism, mindfulness involves bringing our full attention to the present moment, including difficult experiences or relationships. By showing up consistently, we're practicing a form of relational mindfulness, cultivating awareness and presence in our interactions with others.

I want to acknowledge that some relationships in our lives can be harmful. Showing up doesn't always mean physical or verbal presence. Sometimes, it means holding an intention to work with the situation, which might involve creating distance or setting boundaries. This discernment is part of what Buddhists call "wise action" (samma kammanta), one aspect of the Noble Eightfold Path.

The approach required can vary even within a single relationship, depending on the specific interaction. There's no universal right or wrong way to handle these situations. Instead, we cultivate a general approach of willingness to work with our mind, emotions, and how we show up with others when necessary.

The second point I want to discuss is bringing a root of compassion to our work with challenging relationships. The essence of compassion is being willing to meet uncomfortable experiences. This often begins with noticing discomfort in our bodies, whether it's an uncomfortable thought, emotion, or sensation. It's important to note that the discomfort itself isn't inherently "correct" or "right" - it's simply happening. When we turn away from what's happening, we're turning away from reality to a certain degree.

This practice of meeting discomfort with compassion aligns closely with the Buddhist concept of "dukkha" and our relationship to it. Dukkha, often translated as suffering or unsatisfactoriness, is a fundamental aspect of existence in Buddhist philosophy. By cultivating compassion towards our experience of dukkha, we begin to transform our relationship with it.

That said, it's okay to take breaks when needed. We take breaks to renew ourselves so we can return to our work of compassion. Compassion has multiple facets, but I'll focus on two: compassion towards ourselves and the contents of our experience, and compassion towards the person we're having challenges with.

I've found it most helpful to work with these simultaneously when I'm physically with someone, or to first work with "my side of the street" - applying compassion to the emotions arising within me. In challenging relationships, I often deal with impatience, various forms of aversion, and sadness when things aren't going as I'd like or when I've been disappointed.

To work with these emotions, I apply various compassion techniques, including somatic compassion practices. These practices, rooted in Buddhist traditions like metta and karuna (loving-kindness and compassion) meditation, involve meeting different kinds of experiences with an open heart. Over time, I've noticed that this approach helps me engage with challenging relationships more skillfully. It creates a space where I'm not simply reacting from my emotions or fixed perspectives.

This space allows the other person to have space as well - to listen, to hear them, and sometimes to give them room to be and feel what they feel. It also provides space in conversations to find the right moment to share difficult things that might serve both of us in moving through the challenge.

This is where meditation really affects our relationships. For me, meditation isn't just about sitting on the cushion in the morning. That's my "laboratory" where I work with my mind and emotions, often using Buddhist practices. The point is to bring that meditative awareness into daily activities, including our relationships.

An approach of compassion and awareness is key. Compassion is how we meet ourselves and others, being open to sitting with discomfort. Awareness, cultivated through meditation, is our ability to see and know things without knee-jerk reactions. This awareness allows us to observe impatience or sadness arising without necessarily reacting. It gives us more choice and fluidity in working with ourselves and others.

Relationally, meditation offers tremendous benefits. It's not about creating so much calm that we're perpetually "chill." While there's nothing wrong with cultivating calmness, especially in the beginning, being functional often requires engaged action rather than detached chill. Compassion is very engaged - it requires energy and involvement.

When I refer to space, I'm not necessarily talking about being a laid-back person. I mean knowing how to relate to ourselves, having the internal space to provide the kindness of space externally when challenges arise in our relationships. This ties into the Buddhist concept of "shunyata" or emptiness - the understanding that all phenomena, including our thoughts and emotions, lack inherent existence. This understanding creates more space for flexibility in our responses.

It's important to remember that challenges don't necessarily mean we or the other person are doing something wrong. We all view the world individually, even as we share a collective reality. Acknowledging this creates more space for the other person and ourselves. We recognize that our way of looking at something isn't necessarily how someone else sees it.

Even with this basic truth, we can try to see things from the other person's perspective. This doesn't mean not holding someone accountable for harmful actions. It means we're able to understand why they're doing what they're doing, which allows for more effective communication. This practice of seeing from another's perspective aligns with the Buddhist concept of "karuna" or compassion, which involves a deep understanding of others' suffering.

To recap, I recommend starting with your side of the street. Work with your emotions, perspectives, ideas, and beliefs about what's happening in the challenging relationship. Then approach the other person, or allow them to approach you, and see if you can create space for them.

This process can be done in the presence of the person we're having challenges with, or before or after we meet them. Think of it as rehearsal, similar to how athletes or musicians practice extensively before a performance. We can practice how we might approach someone we're having challenges with, how we might speak with them, and how we work with our emotions and reactions.

Then, when we're actually in the presence of this person, there's a better chance for a more skillful, harmonious, and compassionate interaction. Here, compassion means trying to create harmony so that neither we nor the other person experiences more pain. We can naturally see that when there's harmony in a relationship, there's more contentment. When things are disharmonious, we tend to experience less contentment.

Sometimes, we can't control the outcome, and when we're trying to make things content all the time, we might need to give some space, release for a bit, and come back to the drawing board. This aligns with the Buddhist concept of "upekkhā" or equanimity - the ability to accept things as they are, even when they're not as we'd like them to be. These are just some of the approaches I use regularly when faced with challenges in my personal relationships. I hope you find them helpful.