The Secret to Meditation: Don't Encourage, Don't Deny

In the ever-growing landscape of meditation techniques, sometimes the simplest approaches yield the most profound results. One practice that has transformed my relationship with meditation—both on and off the cushion—is what I've come to call "don't encourage, don't deny." This deceptively simple framework has become my constant companion, weaving its way through formal sitting sessions and everyday moments alike, offering a practical path to greater awareness and inner freedom.

This approach primarily addresses our thinking process, the movement of thoughts, and our sensory and emotional experiences. The "don't encourage" aspect relates to how we get hooked by our conceptual mind. We get caught in a process of thought rumination, constantly thinking about how to fix things or find remedies. I've come to see this as part of the human predicament that the Buddha pointed out as dukkha—what we call stress, suffering, or dissatisfaction. We're always trying to look for a way out, and in a strange way, this very searching becomes the suffering itself.

I'm not suggesting we shouldn't remedy things when necessary. For instance, if we have a gash in our leg, we obviously need to take action to preserve our life, or if someone else is injured, we need to help them. Rather, I'm specifically addressing our internal landscape—our thoughts, emotions, and the way we conceptualize our sensory experience, including the sounds around us and sensations in our body.

Encouragement happens when we get caught in these experiences, when we personalize them and take them on as self—as who we think we are. This idea of self is a significant topic in traditional Dharma or Buddhism, and while it's complex, examining it even in simple ways can be incredibly useful. One of the most straightforward approaches is simply observing how we get hooked and encourage our thinking processes, how we take something personally, and how emotions can be triggered as a result.

When we're not encouraging—when we're simply watching the mind and our thought processes in meditation—we're working with freeing ourselves from the personalization of what appears in mind and in our sensory experience. This is crucial if we want to become more free, more open in our life, and develop greater compassion for ourselves and others.

In practical terms, we can begin with basic mindfulness practice, where we simply watch our thoughts. While it's easier said than done, it's called practice for a reason. When we get caught in thoughts—which is another way of saying we encourage them—we notice this and return to our breath, the present moment, or to awareness itself. We do this repeatedly, strengthening the muscle of awareness while transforming our habit of getting caught in thoughts.

I remember my own experience about twenty-five years ago, when I had been practicing for about six months. I had my first moment of insight where I realized, "Wow, I don't have to be my thoughts—I don't have to follow every thought." Of course, I've spent the subsequent twenty-five years still following thoughts, but that's not the point. Having that moment of insight was incredibly encouraging because up until then, I believed I was stuck with my thoughts, that they were who I was.

Now, regarding the "don't deny" aspect—denial, for me personally, is a fear mechanism. We deny when we can't handle something. We can deny emotions by suppressing them somatically or conceptually through overthinking. Many people might think meditation means not thinking at all, but I haven't found this to be the case. Instead, we learn to find space between awareness and thoughts.

Not denying means allowing things to be as they are. Let the wind be what it is, let the sun do what it does each day, let our mind do what it does. If it wants to think, it can think, but we don't have to follow it or encourage it. Through mindfulness and meditative awareness, we can observe thinking happening while remaining in awareness itself.

I'm currently out in nature, looking at some beautiful mountains, and I recommend spending time in nature when possible. I know it's winter and cold for many of you as I record this, but when you have the opportunity, utilize nature. Lay or sit on the earth and bear witness to natural processes. This helps us understand the natural processes of mind. When we get hooked or encourage ourselves to get caught in things, it's actually unnatural, though it feels natural because we're habituated to it. Similarly, when we deny or suppress experiences, especially painful ones, it feels natural but is actually quite unnatural—we're manipulating our experience rather than allowing it to be.

Observe how nature doesn't manipulate—when a tree's roots encounter an obstacle, they simply grow in another direction. Things function naturally based on cause and effect. Try to access this natural space of mind without denying what's arising, bearing witness through mindful awareness but without encouraging or following every thought.

Remember, this won't happen automatically—we need to invest time and energy. We might take one step forward and two steps back sometimes, but that's natural. That's why we call it meditation practice, both on and off the cushion. When we're practicing something, we naturally won't be good at it right away. I personally try not to take it too personally if I've been caught in strong thought patterns for hours. I simply acknowledge it happened and return to the practice. We must maintain that spirit of perseverance.