There Is No Perfect

I've personally struggled with perfectionism throughout my life. I know this can be very prevalent these days, so I’d like to share some reflections on it. We'll discuss some different ideas on how to address perfectionism and maybe even rethink the word "perfect" from a Dharmic perspective.

Perfectionism comes in many forms, and obviously, I can't talk about all of them here. But for me, it takes the form of placing some kind of external ideal out there that I'm not living up to at the moment. Of course, this is quickly followed by self-judgment, and sometimes even self-loathing. I've also noticed that perfectionism leads to procrastination. It's hard to put effort into something when we are slowed down by our inner critic.

The flip side can also happen. Sometimes trying to get everything right, trying to be perfect at whatever activity or job I'm doing. But what I've noticed, besides the fact that this causes me a lot of pain, is that it doesn't necessarily make things better. It doesn't necessarily make me better at something in the long term. Maybe in the short term, perfectionism helps me get something done or makes it look good according to my own standard, but in the long run, I haven't found it to be very functional or sustainable.

So, instead of perfectionism, what I recommend – and what I often try to employ in my life – is a more process-oriented approach. Some of you who read, listen to, or watch my content regularly hear me talk about this a lot. This is because I find living a more process-oriented life so beneficial. I'm also always developing new ways to work more from this place.

Probably the first way of process orientation I’ll mention here is the cultivation of awareness or presence. This helps in so many things, including in the cultivation of qualities like compassion, equanimity, and loving-kindness. However, as a Buddhist meditator, I'm more interested in getting down into the soil of life, and how to allow more clarity or clear seeing into the nature of how things are, rather than “who” I need to be at any given moment, including “good” at meditation. 

As when I get stuck on "who I need to be", or “how I need to be”, I get stuck in perfectionism. It takes me out of the process of practicing presence, openness, and compassion. It takes me out of the process of being curious about how to bring more warmth and connection into my inner and outer relationships.

Right away, it takes me into that judgment zone of "am I enough?" which, to me, automatically implies some kind of lack. Like I'm not a loving person, or that I'm not capable of it, and I need to do more.  That's another element of perfectionism: this constant thing that's a bit out of reach, something we can never quite get, something we need to achieve. It's always more, more, more, better, better, better, do, do, do, become this, become that. And I've just seen that as really dysfunctional in my life. 

What helps me work with this habit in its many forms is engaging in a more process-oriented way of being. So, if I want to become more compassionate for example, I work with aspirational meditation practices and reflections on compassion. One point of aspirational meditation practices is to shift our strong habits of comparing ourselves to our ideals, and or how we perceive others. If we get caught up in idealism, we lose sight of the content of how we're actually engaging lovingkindness, compassion, etc.

So, becoming more process-oriented has a lot to do with being more interested in what's in front of us right now. This has probably been the single most helpful mindfulness tool for me. When I'm getting overwhelmed, developing fear about the future or past, I simply remind myself: "Is that happening right now?" Obviously, the answer is no.

What is happening right now is fear, unease, or dis-ease causing me to get overwhelmed, stressed, or attached to the idea of a perfect me or a perfect situation. So, I come back to the process of just being here. I try to return to the present moment with what's arising.

Of course sometimes our strong uncomfortable emotions can make it really difficult to be present. So, we may need the support of some additional approaches and practices. This could be noticing how the air feels on our skin, the temperature, the sounds around us, the smells, or what we see. Maybe it's focusing on something comforting in the room, a pet, or a loved one.

Put simply, we start to orient ourselves towards our environment and just be present in it as best we can. I find embodiment practices really helpful for this.

For me, initially, when I'm reflecting or remembering to bring myself back to the moment, a lot of the "now" exists through my feeling world. So, I'll just come into the feeling in my feet. That can be a very straightforward and simple practice. For some people, focusing on the fingertips or fingers can also be helpful.

The point is to cultivate a habit that's accessible, not too difficult, and something we can actually do. It can be a game-changer because what we're doing here is initiating a process-oriented approach. We're taking ourselves out of the cycle of judgment and comparison and into the experience of the present moment.

Taking ourselves out of the overwhelm, out of future tripping or getting caught up in the past, we bring ourselves into the process of being here and now, with the body, the breath – or simply with the environment around us. Here we are actively and repeatedly bringing ourselves into a sense of presence again and again.

Now, a lot of people hear this and think meditation stops here. No, this is the base, the foundation. It's where it starts, not where it stops. Once we cultivate a foundation of awareness and presence a little bit, that's when we can go into richer ways of working with our perceived reality, working with different types of understanding through open-ended questions and reflections.

Open-ended questions, or a more open and fluid way of using our thinking mind, allows us to enter a more process-oriented approach with our thoughts, reasoning, logic-based mind – how we want to work with a particular issue, how we want to create something, or how we want to tackle something we have to get done.

So, when there are more open-ended questions, when we're not stuck on the idea of "what this should be" or the ideal of what we need to produce, we can start engaging with a process or orientation much more related to the present moment and our immediate environment.

An open question might lead us to a certain discernment or understanding. But we don’t stop there, as we keep asking open questions. There might be a step one, a step two, a step three, just let things fall into the next step organically. We might have the first step, create that, allow that to create step two, allow that to create step three. This can be such a fresh way to work with our lives!

Now, of course this might not be practical in every and all situations. Sometimes we just have to get something done – deadlines and commitments exist. But we might also need to look at how much busyness we're creating in our lives. Can we let go of things to slow down and work more in the way I'm describing – working from a place of creation and meeting the moment?

Meeting the moment means everything that's arising in that moment: our thoughts, identities, what's outside of us, what's inside of us. How do we create a practice of that and then learn to enter a process of creation rather than a process of doing?

"Doing" is another component of perfectionism. When I'm "doing," I'm trying to become something, and when I'm trying to become something, it's usually based on an ideal of what I think I should be. 

From a Buddhist perspective, we are slowly learning to unbecome. 

But until that comes to fruition for us, we might as well work with becoming in a creative, process-oriented way that takes us out of the fear modes of perfectionism.

The word "perfect" can also be used in a different context within the traditional Buddhist path. For instance, the Perfection of Wisdom Sutras. These are teachings of the Buddha that specialize in pointing out the true nature of reality. Here, the Perfection of Wisdom taught in these sutras is a perfect that's beyond perfect!

In Buddhism, we use these words in really interesting and dynamic ways. For instance, we have the Perfection of Wisdom or Prajnaparamita, and we also have the Dzogchen lineages and teachings. The term Dzogpachen or Dzogpachenpo translates as the Great Perfection. Here too, "perfection" has a connotation of going beyond both what's imperfect and perfect. It's perfect because it transcends the idea of perfection altogether!

I wanted to end on this note because I think it aligns with this whole idea of becoming more process-oriented and learning to overcome perfectionism in both our meditation practice and life in general. This also evokes the genuine meaning of what awakening or Buddhahood refers to on the Buddhist path. 

When we pursue awakening through meditation, study, and practice, it's not really about becoming perfect. It's actually about recognizing our innate perfection that goes beyond both perfect and imperfect. 

That idea is really inspiring to me as I explore new ways to work with myself, new ways that don't involve striving for an ideal, but rather working with the real, messy experience of the present moment.