Beyond Forgiveness

I am frequently asked about forgiveness. Often, this question arises from a difficult life experience someone has shared with another individual, and they struggle to forgive them. I believe we can all relate to this within some relationship, past or present.

Frequently accompanying this challenge is guilt, particularly for those who identify as spiritual individuals, practitioners, or meditators. The inability to forgive someone, or the persistent holding of resentment, grief, or anger towards them can create a sense of failure. Undoubtedly, harboring resentment or anger towards another is incredibly uncomfortable; we experience our own pain regardless of the other person’s suffering. 

Often, when people ask how or if they should forgive someone after a particular incident, I recommend focusing on compassion-based practices rather than forgiveness itself. Forgiveness is undoubtedly essential for healthy human relationships. I view it as a softening of the heart, an opening to others, and a release of resentment, aggression, or anger towards a specific person or situation. However, based on my personal experience and the experiences of others I've guided, I've found compassion practices to be more effective than forgiveness.

What do I mean by compassion? From a Buddhist perspective, compassion is the wish for oneself and others to be free from pain or suffering at all levels and intensities, including its causes. While we commonly associate pain with intense physical or emotional experiences, the Buddhist understanding of pain is broader. It encompasses stressful or difficult situations, any experience—thought, emotion, physical sensation, or memory—that induces anxiety, dissatisfaction or stress.

This Buddhist definition of compassion is quite expansive. It represents a combination of attitude, intention, beneficial emotions, and non-harmful or benevolent thoughts directed towards oneself and others. Compassion is not a singular emotion but a multifaceted experience. It's a cornerstone of human flourishing on both secular and spiritual levels. When applied to the Buddha's teachings, compassion can expand to encompass an even wider scope.

Returning to our discussion of forgiveness and compassion, I believe compassion offers a broader and more useful approach. Forgiveness often implies a strong subject-object relationship, the sense of a separate self interacting with a separate world. While some relationships are pleasant, most of our interactions with others are indifferent. We know them but don't interact deeply; they are strangers.

Inevitably, we also encounter challenging experiences with others, and we often learn from them. However, when memories of harm become entrenched, they can create a stagnant and painful state. Forgiveness, for me, carries this subject-object component: a fixed sense of self as victim and another as perpetrator. Compassion takes a different path. It focuses on pain itself, recognizing that suffering, stress, and anxiety permeate the human experience at various levels and through different expressions.

This perspective equalizes the human experience. It doesn't diminish the specific challenges or needs of individuals or negate the importance of systemic change. Compassion isn't pity; it arises from a place of shared vulnerability.

While the physical world significantly impacts our well-being, it's not the sole determinant of happiness or contentment. Research indicates that after a certain income level, increased wealth doesn't necessarily correlate with greater happiness. Similarly, I've observed a sense of contentment in individuals and communities living simpler lives. This isn't to romanticize simplicity but to highlight that true contentment often arises from within.

Compassion, in this sense, is about recognizing the shared experience of stress, anxiety, pain, and suffering. It's the aspiration for freedom from this suffering for oneself and others. The means to achieve this freedom vary depending on the situation, but the starting point is cultivating compassion.

From this compassionate space, solutions can emerge. When considering forgiveness in relation to compassion, I look for the shared humanity in the situation. Just as I experience challenges, so too does the other person. Often, harmful actions stem from their own pain and suffering.

Without resorting to pity, we can begin to see the shared humanity: "I'm just like this person, and this person is just like me." This opens the door to cultivating a compassionate heart. I often describe it as a heart that breaks open, rather than breaks down. When we break open, we connect and meet others authentically. We can also meet ourselves with greater self-compassion.

Over time, I've found that practicing compassion, rather than focusing on forgiveness, leads to a shift. The person I'm struggling with ceases to be a formidable enemy. It's not an overnight change, but we can chip away at the negativity of viewing them as a bad person. When we release this concept of "enemy," forgiveness often follows naturally. We recognize a shared human experience, akin to the people we love – family and friends.

Now, a common question arises: "What about justice? What about truly harmful actions? Are we simply letting them off the hook?" Absolutely not. Laws and systems exist for a reason. We all make mistakes, sometimes clinging to our needs at the expense of others. This can cause harm on various levels. So yes, we need systems, laws, and communal agreements to mitigate harm. This isn't about some utopian ideal, but about working with challenging situations and people on a personal level, where we struggle with letting go of aggression, fear, anxiety, or resistance.

Here's a practical tip: When frustration simmers, instead of seeking answers, try asking more questions about the person. Our minds often ruminate on how "bad" they are, replaying the story and reinforcing negative perceptions. This increases stress and anxiety. Meditation can help break this cycle. By focusing on the breath and body, we connect with awareness and allow the thinking mind to settle. From this calmer space, we can begin to ask open-ended questions. If it's someone we know, we can recall times when they behaved differently. We can shift our focus from solely seeing them as dislikable to acknowledging their potential for likeableness, even if it's not towards us directly. If we don't know them, we can imagine them interacting playfully with loved ones or even a pet. It might sound cheesy, but the sweetness of a human-animal bond can disarm negativity.

Remember, this practice takes time and effort. Start small. The most crucial aspect is allowing ourselves to settle after recognizing how holding onto anger and resistance harms us more than anyone else.

For example, I've definitely gotten frustrated in traffic. Stuck behind a reckless driver, I might yell an expletive. Reflecting later, I realize no one was physically harmed (assuming I was alone). But I, by allowing my anger to build, ultimately harmed myself. The other driver is long gone, and I'm left stewing in negativity.

We need to acknowledge this self-inflicted suffering. Reach a point where you say, "Enough! This burden is too much." Then, use meditation and open-ended questions to cultivate a new perspective on the person or situation.