Compassion as Connection: Living in Intimacy with Life

I'd like to delve into the topics of compassion and intimacy, two concepts that are currently very alive in my practice. These are both powerful and potent words, capable of multiple interpretations, so I thought we could explore them together. Let's discuss the terms compassion and intimacy themselves, and then consider how they manifest in both a general meditation and Buddhist context, going a bit deeper.

First, compassion. This word evokes a wide range of responses, and its definition varies greatly across different religious traditions, secular perspectives, and our personal experiences. Compassion is undeniably part of the human condition; it's woven into the fabric of our being.

Within Buddhism, while definitions tend to be precise, compassion is a particularly elusive concept. On the surface, it might seem straightforward, but when merged with the non-dual teachings of Buddhism, particularly the concept of shunyata or emptiness, its nature deepens and becomes more challenging to articulate.

A common, simplified definition of compassion is the aspiration or wish for oneself and others to be free from pain,suffering, dissatisfaction, and their underlying causes. This encompasses a significant portion of life. Many of us spend considerable time avoiding discomfort or unpleasantness. Examining our minds reveals a core behavioral pattern: avoiding pain.

However, Buddhist compassion transcends this reactive approach. It involves a deeper intimacy with all life experiences, including the undesirable ones. While we often use the term "suffering," it might be more accurate to speak of unpleasant or uncomfortable experiences. This includes not just intense physical or emotional pain, but also milder forms of dissatisfaction or resistance.

Paradoxically, compassion entails cultivating familiarity with both pleasure and pain. We naturally gravitate towards pleasure, clinging to it and seeking to increase it, while simultaneously pushing away unpleasantness. Buddhist philosophy often explores these dualities of clinging and aversion, revealing how they contribute to suffering.

Does escaping discomfort necessarily enhance our lives? I'm not suggesting we ignore serious issues like illness or unhealthy relationships. Those require attention. I'm referring to the subtle discomforts that permeate our days, weeks, and years. We often chase an elusive "Goldilocks" experience, preventing us from settling and inhibiting our capacity for deeper intimacy with life itself.

I use "intimacy" in a specific way. It's the process of becoming deeply familiar with something. While commonly associated with human relationships, intimacy occurs constantly. As meditators, we cultivate intimacy with our minds: our thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations, and perceptions. This can extend to our interactions with others and the world, but its foundation lies in self-awareness. We discover that what we perceive as "self" is a continuous flux of phenomena. For instance, the experience of hearing a beloved song is a form of intimacy.

Much of our intimacy happens unconsciously, but it can be cultivated intentionally, especially with challenging experiences. This deepens our understanding of ourselves and humanity. Our minds are the screens upon which life's projections play out.

Intimacy is a core practice, both spontaneous and cultivated. Combining it with compassion creates a profound approach to life. Compassion isn't solely about others; it encompasses our relationship with ourselves and the world. It's about witnessing discomfort, in ourselves and others, without immediate aversion.

What does compassion for others look like in practice? It means moving towards discomfort, engaging with those struggling. It's about positioning ourselves as fellow humans in intimate connection. While immediate aid is crucial for those in crisis, I've found my capacity to help is limited without the foundational work of self-compassion. Cultivating intimacy with my own challenges, moods, and thoughts deepens my ability to offer genuine compassion to others. The goal isn't to hoard this practice but to enhance it through self-awareness, ultimately becoming a more effective presence for everyone, including myself.

Compassion is a natural human quality, evident in our responses to suffering. Yet, it's also a skill we can cultivate in ordinary moments. Buddhist tradition views compassion as inseparable from openness. We can hold ourselves and others with either a rigid sense of self or a fluid openness. Practices like Vipashana meditation foster this fluidity, challenging our fixed ideas about self and revealing a wider perspective. This openness, combined with intimacy with our discomfort, creates a potent blend for practice, and the potential for transformative shifts in perception and being.

Awakening, in Buddhism, is often presented as a long, arduous journey with a specific endpoint. However, other traditions view it as a subtle shift in perspective, a return to our natural state. This natural state is open, interconnected, and inherently compassionate.

Strong emotions and struggles can feel defining, but they're impermanent. Compassion, in this context, involves openness and a willingness to stop fighting life. Instead, we cultivate fluidity and acceptance.

So how do we become intimate with our pain? One approach is "somatic leaning in." When a subtle discomfort arises, like tiredness or doubt, we don't push it away. Instead, we feel the corresponding sensation in the body - perhaps tightness in the chest. We acknowledge it, but don't try to control or manipulate it. Letting go doesn't mean forcing it to disappear; it's letting go of the need to control, to make it something it's not. This practice can be challenging, and there are resources available, like my teacher Tsoknyi Rinpoche’s "handshake practice."

The key is to allow things to be. Release isn't necessarily about pain vanishing; it's about releasing control, the urge to manipulate, and the aversion towards discomfort. This embodies compassion. Compassion isn't a specific emotion; it's a constellation of emotions and an intention, but also, for me, a way of being.

Cultivating this way of being involves practices like Vipashana meditation (insight meditation) and studying teachings on non-duality. These help us understand what we're aiming for and inform our practice. Over time, we can experience more openness. Compassion practice fosters openness, and openness fosters compassion. Openness allows us to see beyond the solidification, barriers, and judgments we build around ourselves, others, and phenomena. There's more curiosity, more fluidity.