Monastic vs. Householder Life: Meditation in the Midst of Modern Chaos

As a practitioner of the Buddhist path, I have often grappled with the question of how to authentically practice the Dharma while living a householder's life. 

Recently, a student approached me with a similar dilemma. She expressed her desire to practice the Dharma authentically, but felt that it was challenging to do so while juggling the responsibilities of a family. She also mentioned her contemplation of becoming a monastic, believing that a monastic life would offer a more conducive environment for spiritual growth.

Our conversation on this topic sparked a reflection on my own experiences as both a monastic and a householder. I realized that there are valuable insights to be shared with others who may be facing a similar dilemma. Whether you are a seasoned practitioner or new to the Buddhist path, I believe you will find this discussion beneficial.

When I started out in Buddhism, I was in my early 20s and not a monastic. I was a young guy doing my thing, going to music school in Boston, Massachusetts when I met the Dharma. For the first seven or eight years of my dharma study and practice, I did it while dating, working, and living a non-monastic life. Then in 2008, I became a Buddhist monastic for nine years. In 2017, I decided to return to a householder life with a family, including having a daughter and a partner. So, I've experienced both monastic and householder life, and I'd like to share some insights.

The short answer to the question of whether we can practice the Dharma authentically as householders is yes, of course. In fact, some forms of Buddhism thrive more within the household life. Vajrayana Buddhism, for instance, is argued to be somewhat built more for householder practitioners. I would say it's built for both, but some argue that it's built more for householders. There are certain restrictions in monastic life, such as celibacy and not having a family, in order to serve the practice. On the other hand, Vajrayana Buddhism works with activities that inflame the afflictive emotions more, so practitioners can work with them in that intensity.

So, in householder life, we're not doing something different from monastics. We don't need to ignore what monastics practice and do something else. We need to do what monastics are doing on an inner level while working with the complexity of household life on the outer. We still need to work with our afflictive emotions and develop weariness or exhaustion with the status quo of our samsaric predicament. Householder life can be more challenging in practicing the Dharma because we have to work with the complexity of our relationships, activities, and everything that often inflames our afflictive emotions.

Monastic life provides the time and space to work with the Buddha Dharma in a more direct and deliberate way. It takes time to reach expertise in anything, including Dharma. Monastic life gives us that time to study, engage in meditation retreats, and the monastic vows themselves serve as a protection to work with the mind and afflictive emotions. Monasticism provides a foundation for going deeper, but it doesn't mean that monasticism is better or being a non-monastic practitioner is better. It's just different for everyone. Personally, I found both monastic and householder life to be useful and beneficial.

As householders, we have to find a way to go deeper and connect to the foundations of the Dharma without holding monastic vows and living a monastic lifestyle. This can be challenging, and that's where monasticism thrives. Monasticism exists because it has proved to be successful for many practitioners since the time of the Buddha. Householder practitioners need to learn the Dharma, reflect on it, meditate, and apply it using their life circumstances. It's about using our families, friends, co-workers, and communities as our teachers and path to train.

The challenge for all practitioners is to work with self-absorption and self-preoccupation, which are the root of our problems and pain. When we become self-preoccupied and absorbed, we are always thinking of our own needs, worrying about potential harm, seeking pleasure, wealth, and comfort, and avoiding pain. This self-preoccupation is the root of our suffering. In householder life, we have the opportunity to let go of our self-interest and be more selfless and altruistic, especially when raising kids. It allows our altruistic, caring, and loving-kindness nature to come out more.

Householder life offers many opportunities to work with self-cherishing and self-absorption. It's not that self-absorption is our nature of mind; it's actually a misperception or falsehood. When we work to remove self-cherishing and self-absorption, our Buddha nature, awakened nature, and altruistic nature can come out more. We just have to use our life as the path and engage in altruism, compassion, and active service to others. This is where the Mahayana practice of exchanging oneself and others becomes important for householder practitioners.

In householder life, we don't abandon complexity; we develop inner simplicity while working with the complexity of life. We have to deal with complexity on the outside, but we can find simplicity on the inside. We need to understand the Dharma enough and practice enough to develop inner simplicity based on mindful awareness, ethics, and clear seeing of how our afflictive emotions bend and twist reality. By challenging ourselves to open to compassion towards others and engage in active service, we can transform and develop inner simplicity.

So, as householders, we don't need to leave the world to wake up; we need to leave the “world” of self-preoccupation and self-cherishing. By doing so, we can awaken and develop a more open and relational compassion. Monastic life focuses more on leaving worldly concerns aside, while householder life focuses on developing inner simplicity while dealing with the complexities of worldly life. It's a challenge that we need to acknowledge as householder practitioners.

In conclusion, we can practice Dharma authentically as householders. Both monastic and householder life have their own benefits and challenges. Householder life offers unique opportunities to work with self-absorption and self-cherishing, while monastic life provides essential time and space to deepen ethical conduct, study and practice in a unique way. As householder practitioners we need to use each and every situation in our life to wake up. There can’t be divisions or artificial boundaries for where our practice can and cannot go. We don't need to abandon complexity; we need to embrace it with compassion and wisdom.