The Heart of Self-Compassion

I'm often asked to explain self-compassion to students and mentees. Recently, it came up prominently in a one-on-one mentoring session with someone struggling to relate to this concept. Before diving into my definition and techniques, I want to emphasize that there's a wide range of interpretations of self-compassion. My understanding is based on my personal experience and what I've found effective.

From a Buddhist perspective, which significantly influences my work, I question the very concept of "self." Many Buddhist practitioners understand what I mean. For those new to Buddhism, you might wonder why I'd say such a thing. The core of Buddhist teachings is a questioning of self-centered interactions with the world. The idea of a fixed, independent self can lead to dissatisfaction, stress, and problems. Compassion is the opposite of solidifying or reinforcing our sense of self or ego.

This doesn't mean there isn't a "mere self" participating in life. It's more of a philosophical exploration. The term "self-compassion" can imply a strong identity to which we apply compassion. I don't approach it that way. I recommend applying compassion to the content of our internal experience, rather than to the subject, a fixed self.

To clarify, I suggest applying compassion practices to what arises within our internal experience. This could be called self-compassion, but for me, it's not necessarily about the self. It's about the content of our internal experience. We have the contents of our experience – perceptions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. – and we experience them. The Buddhist path emphasizes that reinforcing the self distances us from compassion.

The first step is to apply compassion to what's arising. Of course, we need some meditation skills for this. By skills, I mean the ability to mindfully notice what's arising. You might want to do some preliminary work to strengthen your awareness muscle. The goal isn't to catch everything, but to become more aware of what's arising in your internal experience.

The compassion practice I tend to apply the most is based on a practice from my teacher, Tsoknyi Rinpoche, called the handshaking practice. In this practice, we drop our awareness into hosting and witnessing different sensations, emotions, or feelings arising in the body. We feel them without trying to reject, become, or solve them. Most of us are used to suppressing, running away, or becoming our emotions. When we don't do these things, we're simply being.

Being in and of itself is a compassionate expression of how to be with life. Compassion is a deep intimacy with the discomfort and stress in our lives. It's a willingness to be with what is, because it's a significant part of our day. In the Buddhist tradition, it's often said to be the majority of our day. However, we often try to negotiate, navigate, or reject it. Compassion, in the Buddhist sense, is turning towards both ourselves and others. 

We're turning towards the content of our internal landscape, our feelings, sensations, and emotions. When we do this, we'll encounter various reactions. In the case of my mentee, they were experiencing frustration and wanting the problem to be resolved. I explained that they needed to accept the emotion of wanting resolution. Stress, frustration, or any other emotion can be viewed as a form of pain or discomfort. We can have compassion towards that.

Having compassion isn't something we do outwardly. It's about growing our sense of “being” compassion towards our internal landscape. This can then spill over into how we interact with others.

“Being” compassion is an interesting concept. In English, we often use phrases like "being compassionate," which feels a bit off to me lately. It implies a state of doing, rather than simply being. Perhaps a better way to think of it is that compassion is something we're becoming, an inherent quality we cultivate. It's not another identity we adopt.

I recommend a practice of dropping into our internal landscape and learning to be with it. This practice of being will naturally expand into “being” compassion, which will then flow into our external relationships. This includes our close ones, those we struggle with, and everyone in between.

This is my interpretation of self-compassion, a perspective that I've found helpful. It highlights the challenges we encounter because it's a practice, a way of being, not something we can perfect. We're not aiming for a perfect experience, but rather learning to be present with life and open to it. Lately, I've been calling this practice cultivating a deep intimacy with life. 

Self-compassion is about accepting, opening, and feeling the content of our experience – being with it rather than pushing it away, solving it, or distracting ourselves. There are many perspectives on self-compassion, what it is and different ways to approach it. This approach might be more suitable for those with an existing meditation practice. However, even a simple practice of asking ourselves, "What would it be like to be more intimate with this feeling arising right now?" can be a good starting point.

We don't need to tackle the strongest, most intense experience we're having. Start with something workable, something you're willing to face and be with compassionately.